Remember the old ad from the 1870s  for a shampoo and conditioner rolled into one where they played on the supposed social stigma of taking two bottles into the shower? Oh my, it was so embarrassing to be so out of step with the world taking two bottles into the shower! How ghastly. Flay yourselves, people.

I haven’t got a kindle-doodledo. Should I flay myself?

My meaningless and ridiculous novel Tiger Hugs is racing up the charts on authonomy, the Harper Collins online farrago. As the dubious and tactless Jessie J says in her song about the price tag being inconsequential when you know you can afford everything, if you have to ask how much it costs, you can’t afford it, darling. Tiger Hugs is free but that doesn’t mean it’s cheap, and you get another one free when you read it. You can’t say fairer than that, so why’s everyone so serious? I mean, lighten-up!

Okay so I didn’t get a Kockadoodle-Kindle for Christmas when everyone else got two and then used them in the shower – so hedonistic, but hey ho! Who cares? I’m so out of step I still wear flares from the first time round. I actually don’t like drainpipe trousers. They make me look like Max Wall so I avoid them. The only good thing about drainpipes is … there are no good things about drainpipes, and history warns me that whenever fashion obliterates flares there has to be something deeply wrong with society. You have been warned, after all, it’s not about the price tag because money can’t buy you love or class.

PS My favourite Christmas TV show was Ab-Fab back again and wonderful, especially the pisstake of MLE Jafaican, or as it’s known here in Wiltshire, Wilja innit.