On the first day of Christmas … dragged out shopping because the BBC said: “Don’t panic but the shops are going mad for all the MASSIVE BARGAINS!!” Growing suspicious and cynical.

On the second day of Christmas … the TV looks bust but it’s just constant re-runs of Only Fools and Horses in narrow screen format.

On the third day of Christmas … another meat eater grumbles that turkey is dull. Try giving up meat till next year, then see how dull turkey is.

On the fourth day of Christmas … nauseating pompous prats Walliams, James May, Jeremy Clarkson, Miranda Hart again and again and again and again and again and again again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and I’m not exaggerating.

On the fifth day of Christmas … why watch Eastenders when you can see people throw things at each other in your local?

On the sixth day of Christmas … looking up Christmas recycling dates online.

On the seventh day of Christmas … looking at the pile of recycling that wasn’t collected on the scheduled date.

On the eighth day of Christmas … saying thank you for the Slimmer’s World calendar and not meaning it.

On the ninth day of Christmas … hearing well-off people say they’re depressed at Christmas. Please!

On the tenth day of Christmas … interesting cocktail – fruit-flavoured Rennies mashed into gin and tonic.

On the eleventh day of Christmas … where does the dust come from? Hit by avalanche on stairs.

On the twelfth day of Christmas … thinks voice has gone but actually just haven’t talked to anyone for 12 days.

Happy New Year!