Why Fiona Bruce Wears a Coat Indoors

Fiona Bruce wears her coat indoors with the waist strap done up for very good reasons:  every time they start shooting the Antiques, she’s debagged and her pristine white trousers are hoisted up the flagpole. They hardly show her from the waist down these days. But that’s because she’s half woman, half desk.

Today I went in a high street mobile phone shop and gave up. The lighting in those places is now so bright even the carpet can’t stand it. It’s so hot men stand around in their vests while the women stuff the plutonium-enriched part of their phone in their mouths and hum Katy Perry. They’re so overdoesd on the image they have to live it all the time. I’m going to buy online.

The new Bosch windscreen wipers I bought weeks ago at Halfords for £17.49 are starting to work. Halfords looked at them and decided they were working but they just didn’t fit, so tough! No money back. I decided to stick with them. I liked the idea of a windscreen wiper that gets round to it in its own time. The best way is to watch the forecast and start them moving two days in advance of bad weather so they build up a head of steam. When the rain stops, you just pull them away from the windscreen to avoid scratching.