I may no longer be writing but in trying to understand the warped technological mayhem of downlighting which I am morally opposed to, I discovered the word intumescent. I used the word tumescent in Mr-Croc-in-a-Blanket but now I discover from sites like Aurora Intumescent Fire Hood from Alert Alectrical that I’m one step behind. A material can be intumescent which means it swells to prevent fire spreading. Each spotlight requires one of these friendly little hoodies at the cost of £6.60 each. As I have 300 spots that’s going to cost 300 times £6-60. Why can’t I buy one and stretch it over the lot. Intumescent huh? But not clever. Apparently, there were 19 fires caused by downlights in Queensland, Australia alone last year. What would I do without the web? Die of ignorance of course.
As the five o’clock news passes briefly by on radio 3 like an excuse I hear that Britain has been identified by a leading Vatican advisor as the home of “new aggressive atheism” and he’s chickened out of the Pope’s brave sortie into atheist territory claiming to have gout. I wonder what makes him think Britain was anything but the home of aggressive atheism. Are there history books in the Vatican? Maybe he should have watched Dr Alice Roberts harping on about how wonderful life actually was a thousand years ago and how we should welcome back a secular age where men wore sexy masks like the one discovered at Sutton Hoo. Her modern progressive attitude was acquired at the oldest girls’ school in the country so who am I to quibble? Okay, she didn’t say that exactly but as I sit pondering pure financial gain, and how to clear up a mess left by a property developer who installed 300 downlights in 2003 and then pissed off with the cash so down the line someone else has to do it properly or fry, I do have strange flights of fancy.