My Guide to Getting That Job During the Tory Years

Angered by Osborne? Try erasing your memory by listening to my nutty namesake Ian Duncan Smith. He’s such a deluded nit-wit even his followers must doubt him. He started his tirade against the long term unemployed in the summer claiming it was only fair to reassess all cases because some of them might want to work and nasty Labour had been stopping them doing so by labeling them long term unemployed. Take away their benefits, he said. They’re not good for them. They don’t want them. It’s a burden. Then call them something nice, like Eager Beavers.

So we can expect some kind of humiliating test like the pencil test but for employment. Can you make a cup of tea and do know the prime minister’s name? Yes! By jove you must work in industry, my boy! The trouble is there is no work. But never fear, IDS has a solution to that problem. There are plenty of jobs no one wants to do but with a good attitude they become  Cheery Smile Jobs, he says. It’s just a matter of forcing Eager Beavers into Cheery Smile Jobs. Genius.

So the best way to become employed during these pitiful Tory years is to assume that your boss is going to be a deluded Tory nitwit. Probably a good assumption these days. The last thing you want to admit to in your interview is current unemployment. Deny it. Make it the main thrust of your interview. The Benefits Lifestyle, Countdown, local bus services, that’s all for lazy people. Make it clear that there is no such thing as unemployment, just people who can’t be arsed. Your new boss will think you’re as deluded as he is and you’ll get the job. Simples!

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